mother's day

Yesterday was mother's day. It really makes me kind of sad. I picture my mother by herself, wondering why her children dislike her so much and where she had gone wrong. It makes me so mad at myself because I feel such pity and guilt, which is useless because my mother has no remorse, she has no guilt. She doesn't care. I just imagine that she does, as most people would be sad that their children wanted nothing to do with them, not even on Mother's Day.

When I was 19 and still trying to force a relationship with her I decided to celebrate the day with her. My boyfriend at the time and I drove the hour to the redneck town she moved to, which she insisted was beautiful but really was only strip malls and white trash on the water. When we got there she was bitchy, as she usually is. I tried to ignore it, I suggested we go out to lunch. She told me Ron said he might come by and she didn't want to leave in case she missed him. Ron owned the marina where she docked her boat. Actually, Ron's parents owned it and he ran it. Ron was balding, chubby and married. He had three children in high school. He thought it was appropriate to tell me how to treat my mother. Mostly I was rude to him while trying not to throw a knife in the direction of his face. Her denying my lunch offer to wait around for the married man she was dating pissed me off, so I told her it was bullshit. I'd driven all the way down there and she wouldn't even leave her fucking house. This upset her, made her mad, but she knew I was right. So she forged an anxiety attack. She grabbed her stomach, paced around, stepped out of her back door, stepped back in, whined like a child, yelled at me, "I wish you hadn't come!" and then she got an idea. If Ron wouldn't come to us, we would go to him. Her entire mood changed, we'd get take out and eat it on her boat.

I hated Ron and wanted nothing to do with him. I thought he was a piece of shit. It made me mad that I had to ask if he wanted any take out sushi. He didn't. Thank God. When we got to her boat with the sushi the two of them were there, talking. I hated that I had to hang out with this douche, but I figured we'd just eat the sushi and leave. This proved a problem, as that fat fuck who said he didn't want any sushi, ended up eating most of it. My mom would make rude little quips to me, I would try to calm myself down and not flip out on her, I'd just tell her that her behavior was inappropriate and she needed to act like an adult (I started telling her this when I was about 12 or 13). Somehow Ron thought this gave him the go ahead to tell me I needed to be nice to my mother. I asked if he was fucking kidding me, he wasn't. In an attempt not to start screaming at them both, push them overboard and drown them, we left. I had a drug addicted nutjob throwing jabs at me when I was trying to spend fucking Mother's Day with her and her cheating boyfriend was telling me to be nice to her. No wonder I'm such an angry person.